If I Were You I Wouldn't Be Here

StALKeR?!?!?!

2004-06-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

09177591994, this is his number. His name is Joseph daw and he wants us to be friends. Yuckers. Dat's like sooo high school! text mate ba daw? geez! At hiphop sha! But in fairness, he hangs out naman in nice places like Gbelt, Eastwood and Wasabi. Places where pakalat-kalat kami ni Gary on weekends. Oh well... Kadiri pa din. Surprising lang coz he knows my name. I never give my number out. Hmmmm... Fishy. Sabi ni EJ, he could be a friend of micky checking up on me. Yikes, wag naman sana. Tapos na dat episode in my life. Wala ng check2x noh! Pero sana nga. Wish ko lang nagdudusa na sha now! hahahaha!

BoDy CoMbAt!

2004-06-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

This morning, after work, I went to Fitness First (duh! para naman mapakinabangan ko binabayad ko don noh!). Katamad ever buti n lang ksma ko si Trixie. We joined the body combat class. I thought it was going to be easy coz I have Taekwondo background pero hello!!! ginawa nilang choreographed so parang tae bo. And me, having the coordination-challenged body that i have couldn't really follow. Pero understandable naman noh, beginner lang ako. But it was really fun compared naman to the usual buhat2x sa gym and doing rotex. So ym definitely going to attend the classes na. Sana nde ako tamadin. Ok din to para mabawasan ang fatness. :) Tom body pump naman! :)

FoR ThOsE WiLLiNg To TaKe D RisK...

2004-06-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest

nAiSiP kO LaNg...

2004-06-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

How can a person go against the wants of his/her own heart? How can you be happy if you keep on resisting/fighting your own feelings? I've always known that ym the heart-over-head type of person. I'm wondering... would i be a much better person if ym the other way around? would i make wiser decisions? Would I be happier? Ym asking these questions cause ym trying to use my head for a change.

I used to follow my heart all the time. Regardless of the consequences, I will do wat my heart says. For the reason that I know i won't be happy otherwise.

I have taken love and people for granted. I thought that i can always get away with things as long as i stay true to myself. In the process, i lost myself as well. Because yes, I was true to myself, but i lost my sense of pride, self-respect... I sacrificed my principles and went against my own ideals. But that was the only time I can say that I was really happy. Fuck reputation. I was called many names yet I couldn't care less about what others would say. Becoz again, I was happy.

But something just didn't feel quite right... My happiness was somewhat empty... I was incomplete...

So now, ym trying to change. Hoping that this time I can rectify my mistakes. I can't help but feel I have sinned against myself. So I'm using my head now just to earn some sense of self-worth again. But I feel like hell. Damn, I am unhappy. I feel like ym turning into a frigid bitch. But at least I'm not a stupid fool anymore. At least I can say ym being smart. At least I can't be played anymore. Ym taking time making my decisions (used to see this as wasting time). Maybe I can be learn to be happy being this way. I dunno...

My thoughts don't make sense anymore. I feel more confused than ever. Heart over head, head over heart? Happiness or righteousness? A little bit of both? How's that? What about "the best of both worlds"? Can't I really have it all? ARRRRGHHHH! My head's aching again.

MeD sChOoL...

2004-06-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Malapit na start mnd med school. I have successfully enrolled na. Kulang na lang id and physical examination. When will I find the time kaya? Shit naman o. Hassle. Eto pa ang super kainis. Lahat sila classmates sa section B - tin, ej, garet, even shok (buti n lang). And ako po ay mag isa sa section A. Dapat ksama ko si Candy but she decided not to go to med school yet this year. I heard that i'll be with the biggest nerds ever from BS-Bio La Salle. Shit. Ngayon ko lang nare realize how lonely this could be. Ayoko pa naman ng environment sa UE (again, i don't mean to be a brat. papaka totoo lang) Sana yl find new friends. As in parang sila Ainj, Kit, Lover, Claro, Gary, Tin, May and the rest of the block. Pucha otherwise, loser tlga ko. Tapos baka uwian pa ko ksi ang arte ko sa dorm. Inis tlga. Naiisip ko rin, grabe this is the first time na maghihiwalay kami ni Taba. We've been together everyday since we got together (almost 3 years ago). Now nga na it's no longer the 2 of us magksma pa rin kami everyday becoz of work. We have the same sched, we're on the same team... Almost pareho rest days.. We go out pa rin. Shit, I haven't realized how alone i am going to be sa med school til now. Gosh. Papaka nerd na nga lang ako for my own future. Good luck na lang sakin. Loser na kung Loser basta yl do good no matter what. (there'e that feeling again. that feeling na ur excited to start anew, na nde ka na magloloko, magka cut classes, ggmik on weekdays, etc. that kind of feeling. sana mag last forever til matapos ko med. hehehe. i doubt it though. i'll do my best.)

06/01/2004

2004-06-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's a new month! It's such a wonder how i was able to survive the last one alive. Tagal na since my last post. So what happened?
Last Sat, we went to Lola Kit's mom's bday sa Malabon. And we took a cab going there. Imagine, Malabon yun ah! But it's not so far naman pala. Yung binayaran namin sa cab is juz the same pag pumupunta kami sa Libis. Worth it naman ang pagod coz miss ko na tlga sila and nag pig out na naman kami ni ainj. Si EJ nde nakasama and they all missed him. The main topic was of course me and my love life. Jolly, Micky, EJ and I... the love triangle on my end, and on Micky's end. Ayoko na magkwento. Sawa na ko. Gusto ko na lang matapos at maubos na san lahat ng residue (hehe) na iniwan ni Micky. Though he left me some good memories, mas madami pa rin ang trash (the lies, the broken promises) na naiwan. Sana he took his basura n lang with him. After the dinner, we went home na (Ainj's unit sa Torre, the official drug house - that's just what we call it). Pero we still wanted to go out. It was already 1 a.m. so too late to go to Libis. We, me, gary, ainj, went to Malate instead. Si Claro and his new love, Baby Bry, were left sa condo, syempre they wanna be alone d b? And kaming mga konsintidora friends ay super bait ;p Kaya pala ang Claro ay nagyayaya pumartee. hehehe. SO we went around Malate first, but finally settled sa Decades. Drank a little, danced a little... si ainj ayaw sumayaw so kami 2 lng ni garet. Kadiri nga eh, nka strike 3 ako sa mga ugly guys. Heller?!?! Nagsisigaw tlga ko don ng yuck!!! At lumabas na naman ang pagkalaitera ko. Meron don dugong na lakas ng loob ha? 3 beses lumapit, tinataguan ko na nga eh. Palagi na lang gn2. As in I never fail in attracting yung mga tlgang mukhang ewan. And just like wat gary says parati... "Hindi ako mashadong maganda, pero wala akong magagawa, panget ka tlga!!!" I guess ok na din to kaysa naman malapitan na naman ako ng gwapo like Micky at masira na naman ang ulo ko. Or better yet Lord, sana wala n lang lumapit. Let me just dance in peace. hehehe. Eto lang masasabi ko, wala ng cute sa Malate at sa Makati (unless type nyo mga foreigners, mga bading at mga conyong hs) kaya sa Libis na lang. (nag plug p!) SO next week, dun na ulit kami ni Gary!
Sunday morning, Ej arrived to pick me up pero we decided to stay for a while kasi inaantok p ko. Tabi kami matulog, just like old times. Sarap nya pa rin hug. :) Pero in the middle of my sleep, bigla na lang ako nagising and I couldn't breathe again. There was that ever familiar pain in my chest again. I can feel my heart getting weaker every second hanggang hindi ko na kaya. Napaiyak n naman ako. For no apparent reason. Basta masakit yung heart ko. Ever since the Micky incident, gn2 n lang ako parati. It's been two weeks na. The 1st week, everytime nagigising ako ganon. 2nd week nde na mshado pero that time, it seemed like it was more painful than ever. May flashbacks, may memories. Shit! Ayoko na maalala. Buti na lng EJ was there. His hug never fails to comfort me. Siguro if wla sha sa tabi ko or if i was alone at that time, mag break down na naman ako. So nakatulog ako kakaiyak. When I woke up, we decided to have lunch somewhere then uwi na.
Sunday night, we -me, gary, ej- went to the casino. Si Garet ayaw papasukin sa Casino Filipino sa NAIA eh mas matanda pa sakin un eh! hehehe. Siguro it was with the clothes. Mukha ata akong respectable that night. hehehe. But most say I look 17 actually. Anyway, bwiset at natalo lang kami ng 2000! Malas. Tang inang super 6 yan! Bawi kami next time. Kelangan mag ipon pang big fish ds june 12! We ate na lang sa Chow King -take note- dahil wala na kaming pera. After non, we went home na. That was around 4. That's still a bit too early for me and gary to sleep at na tripan namin pumatol sa ever ka cheapan na chatroom sa tv. hehehe. yuck tlga! ang jologs ng mga tao. pero ang fun mang uto h? hehehe. kung ano2x send namin na message... like "what's up for you? or for me? r u? or are me?". laugh trip tlga! hahaha. 7 a.m. na kami nakatulog tuloy and then 30 mins after wake up time na coz i have to enroll sa UE.
Pagdating sa UE, hangin n lang ang laman ng utak ko. I couldn't even walk straight. To think na may pasok ako dat night sa work. Sa totoo lang... ang panget sa UE! I don't mean to be a brat ha? pero swear. i guess sanayan lang. Ganda kasi ng DLSU eh. Shit, kaka miss that school. Maganda class rooms and all, malinis cr (may liquid soap!). hehehe. I tried looking for a dorm pero parang ayoko na mag dorm. I was hoping na meron sana something like Burgz. Pero wala eh. Dami pa rules like no visitors... ayoko nga. Ang scary pa ng rooms. Baka mag uwian na lang ako. D ko alam if kayanin ng sexy body ko. Baka lalo ako sumexy. hehehe. (Dream on acey...) Bahala na. After non, we went to ghills. Le ching and Shopping! nabuhayan ako bigla! dami stuff that i wanna buy pero nagtitipid ako for my gym (fuck). Pero ok lang, next time i know na what to buy. Tpos ym gonna get a new phone! Pag may time balik ako agad. Then after ghills, we dropped gary off sa g4 and at the same time picked up ej's sis and mom. Based on my tsismosa powers, my pig's going to get a new car (a new 2nd hand car, Rav4 ata or Galant V6. hehehe) He refuses to sell his car kasi madami na daw memories yun. so for sentimental purposes, magtyatyaga sya. Sabagay, a lot nga naman happened in that car. ;p And just before my shift, I conviniently blacked out on my bed. Hindi ko na kaya pumasok. So i called in sick at absent na naman po ako. Shit wrong move. Sana tiniis ko na lang na bangag2x ako sa work. I woke up around 11 at as usual natanga na naman ako. I hate being alone. Nakaka timang. I called gary para nde na ko mag isip. Apparently, she saw Micky sa G4. Kinakamusta daw sha and of course pati ako. Ayoko na mag comment. Ouch. Ayoko na maisip pero naisip ko pa rin... What kaya suot nya? ano na kaya tsura nya? SHHHIIITTT!!! Tama na. it's over acey. SI garet ever supportive at medyo nabawasan ang katangahan ko bcoz of her. Sana pwede kausap ko n lang sha d whole night para manglait, mang trip but i don't wanna keep her up ksi d pa raw sha sleep.
So there' that's what happened in the last few days.
As for today, went to G4 to buy contacts and we bought yummy bread from Bread Talk. Tpos i went to that fucking gym to waste more money. P4200 nawala sakin! may utang pa ko kay taba! pano na shopping ko?!?!!? LEChhhh!!! Speaking of shopping, next items on my list are CMG shoes, school bag, watch from Ghills (P500 lang!), more school stuff and topshop stuff! Again, dream on Acey. hehehe. I have to learn how to save money. Restrain, restrain, restrain!!!
SO un, I survived another day. A good day for work 2day. Nesting ng mga newbies so madami naka avail. That means less calls for all of us! yahoo!!! :)

ThiS SHOULD Be mY sOnG! (but it's not)

2004-05-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

SOBER
by: Jeniffer Paige

Girl meets boy, and Girl goes crazy
Boy backs away, She gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back upon a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading

Chorus:
I see the light, ohh what a light
And I am sober
All that you served to me
No longer will I drink it in
I took the time to think it over
I see the you that I never knew
Now it's finally sinking in
I am sober

Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again
Boy takes every opportunity
To play on every insecurity
Get her back on track
She's in a daze, back in the fire
But will she cave into her old desires

HeRe We gO AgAiN...

2004-05-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about him n naman... i'm wondering, how can i miss that person even after everything? He doesn't deserve to be missed. Bakit ganito? Akala ko ok na ko. I have managed to put up a strong front after the so-called-break-up juz so i won't feel the total amount of pain. Pero now, my heart's starting to let down its guard. NDE PWEDE TO!!! I can't afford to have my heart and my head on the line again. Paulit-ulit na lang. Nagsasawa na ko!!! And what about him??? Sya na nga ang manloloko, sha pa ang masaya! Lord, wer's the justice in that? Whatever happened to karma? May exceptions ba? Sa lahat naman ng magiging exempted sha pa. Y nde na lang ako LORD?

:(

2004-05-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

You promised me the world, but you gave me nothing. I promised you nothing, but gave you the world... :(

ThOuGhTs...

2004-05-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

Lately i don't think about him anymore (not as often). And when I do think about him, I can't help but miss him, pero wala na yung feeling of pain, etc. I guess i'm slowly moving on na. Syempre masakit pa rin. Pero i'm actually opening myself up for the idea of friendship. Syempre not right away... not yet, not now... Delikado pa heart ko eh. It would take time. yl get there eventually. But as for now, yl keep myself busy na lang with work, and my upcoming med studies. Syempre party on weekends. wat a life. :)

AnG pAg-Ibig NgA NaMaN...

2004-05-25T04:18:00.000-07:00

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw. Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero
naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit
magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam,
nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa
namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.
Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?
Nakakaiyak.

It MuSt HaVe bEeN LoVe... but it's over now.

2004-05-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, in this air of silence
In the bedroom and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away

It must have been love but it’s over now
It must have been good but I lost it somehow
It must have been love but it’s over now
From the moment we touched ‘til the time had run out

Make-believing we’re together
That I’m sheltered by your heart
In and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm
And it’s a hard winter's day
I dream away

It must have been love but it’s over now
It was all that I wanted now I’m living without
It must have been love but it’s over now
It’s where the water flows
It’s where the wind blows

It must have been love but it’s over now
It must have been good but I lost it somehow
It must have been love but it’s over now
From the moment we touched ‘til the time had run out

It must have been love but it’s over now
It was all that I wanted now I’m living without
It must have been love but it’s over now
It’s where the water flows
It’s where the wind blows

ThE TrEe, ThE LeAf, ThE WiNd

2004-05-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

***Tree***

People call me "Tree". I had dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dared to go after. She didnt have a pretty face, or good figure, nor an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary gal. liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her. I felt that if she were my gal, she'd be mine ultimately & I didn't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years.

She watched me chase other gals, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years. She was a good actress and me a demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I didn't want to know what caused her to cry.

Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so. My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start
off the quarrel. But I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she didn't know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my break up. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the guy was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I didnt show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. Tears rolled & I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who didnt acknowledge her presence? During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It said, "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......"

***Leaf***

People call me Leaf. During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should
have learnt - Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months.
When they broke up, I hid my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another gal.
I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that this was one sided love. If he didnt like me, why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits.
But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, and love him.
Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Because of this, I waited for him.
Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years. At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me. Everyday he pursues me. He's like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. Finally leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to
stay. Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......

***Wind***

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.
Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him. One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my seniors colding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left.
The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away. It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to
me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend.
I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" she replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay ......

I hope one day, just like in the story, my wind would blow me away from my rotting tree as well. :)

My WkEnd

2004-05-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

A lot happened actually. I've been thinking less, doing a lot (of drinking. hehehe). I went out 2 straight nights with EJ and his friends (yes, that's correct). I never thought I'd have as much fun as I had. Sobra laugh trip (even w/o smokes). Hahaha. Reminiscing (mostly about Tads), making lait, gaguhan, asaran, hiritan (harap-harapan). I never knew how much I've missed being in a group like this. After EJ and I became an item, we sort of detached ourselves with the world. Lalo na when I dated Micky (you and me against the world), autistic n tlga. I remember the hirit of Matthew last night, you will always go back to your roots no matter how sweet the fruit is. So Ej's the tree, they are the roots and I am the sweet fruit. hahaha. At least finally, we're all in speaking terms na. Maybe because they know that EJ and I are just friends and that I'm not the MH (malaking hadlang) to their barkada.
So Sat night, we spent it drinking at Matoy's (with Garet, EJ, Rix, Tads, Erick). We provided the food and drinks (sarap pla coke rhum and the best ang breads from bread talk!), sila na bahala sa entertainment. I was really quiet lang at first. Wala ako sa mood actually, dahil it was raining, tapos on top of my head was Micky pa (it was his bday). Pero after 2 beers and a few shots, humahalakhak na ko. kakahiya. And garet was worse. Sha po ay super bangenge. I've never seen her get that drunk before at gusto na nya tumalon sa pool, (re-enactment of Marky's party) top and pants stripped off. hahaha! Kaya lang there was lightning and though i was drunk, i was aware enough that water is in fact a conductor of electricity. though her jumping would make the night super memorable, i wouldn't want her fried naman noh. So all in all, fun naman. And I was actually looking forward to the next drink2x session not knowing that the day after...
SO sunday night. ME, EJ, garet. Our original plan was to watch movie lang sa town. but then we we're so bagal so we weren't able to catch the last full show. Next plan was to eat at TJ's I(mandarin chicken my fave!!!), but then because of our kabagalan again, closed na wen we got there. All of us still have hang-overs so ayaw namin uminom (yeah right). We didn't wanna go home naman so we called Rix n lang. Wala din sha ginagawa (we're all kaladkarin, btw. anytime, anywer. provided we have enough money to buy drinks and cigs and food and gas), so we headed to Grilla Kalayaan. Pig out lang kami ni garet (cheese burger, fries, grilled chiz sandwich, more fries). Si ej and si rix had beer. They called naman Matthew. He can't go out daw but we can pass by and we can make inom there.
So next stop was Mandaluyong (oh yes! they're like a couple of blocks apart lang. damn it! so near yet so far...) ok naman kami ni matthew. i didn't have to restrain myself naman from my usual reaction na i wanna strangle his neck. hahaha. so everything went well. we had fun making tambay lang, coke rhum again, ghost stories, sound trip. We went home na rin around 3.
SO un lang. All good for me so far. Hindi ko na sha naiisip (nde na mashado). hehehe.
Sana there will be more of these (good times) with his friends in the future. I can see kasi how happy EJ is to have both me and his friends around him at the same time. Masaya na din ako don. Delikado lang kasi may friend shang babaero na type-an ako. well, wat can i say?!?!? pretty gurl to noh! hahaha!!!
Next week naman, we'll be spending time with my barkada. Birthday ng groovy mommy of lola kit. Can't wait na! Inuman na to! Ba may partee pa!!! jk.

It'S HiS BiRtHdAy

2004-05-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

SO today is the day. 25 years ago, he was born. And he grew up to be the kind of man any girl would want to be with. JOKE! Dahil first of all, you're not a man, you're a wuss. And you, my prince, turn into a frog every midnight. hahaha! bitter!!!
Happy birthday Micky! And yes, I was the one who texted you mysteriously (d ko matiis...) at around 12 a.m. I think you have a clue. I am, after all, still the cutest person you know. ;p

My SiLeNt RePLy...

2004-05-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Sabi na nga ba eh. The moment I stop thinking of you is the time na magpaparamdam ka. It was quite funny actually. Talagang tinitigan ko pa yung fne ko after mag beep. Parang alam ko na ikaw na nga yun since you always text me ng ganong oras. And I was right. Number mo n lang ang lumabas coz I erased your number na. Pero memorize ko ang number mo. And it was the usual magulong format ng text… Hi der, musta k na? That was all you said… Simple lng d b? Na blangko ang utak ko. Sobrang hirap sagutin. Sana tinanong mo na lang ako how can we achieve world peace or ano ba lalabas sa next lotto draw.
Honestly, d ko alam sasagutin ko. There are so much I wanna say to you. I wanna tell you na nagkamali ka. I wanna tell you na someday pagsisihan mo ang nangyari. Na someday mare realize mo din na mahal mo pala ako. I wanna extract an apology. Pero wag na lang. Dahil paninindigan ko na sinabi ko sayo. Na nde mo na ako makakausap at nde mo na ko makikita. Para din matahimik ka na. Para wala ng temptation syo. Para once and for all, you can be truly happy na. Even if ym not in the picture. That’s how much I love you.
Gusto ko rin sabihin sayo how hurt I really am. I may not have cried while I had you on the phone, but if only you saw how I broke down pagbaba, then you might never had the heart to leave me sa sobrang awa. But then I don’t want that. The only reason for you to stay is because you love me. That’s why I always pretend to be strong even when I’m dying inside. I will never ever try to hold you back. Lahat tinitiis ko para sayo. Agen, that’s how much I love you.
And day by day, I go through the same shit. Contemplating on the what might have beens, could have beens, should have beens, the what ifs and the buts. If only I can make you feel the pain to somehow make ganti. But I know that even if I have that ability, I still won’t hurt you. Because I love you that much.
Alam ko naman that you’re doing just fine. Sana lang alagaan ka nya the way I took care of you. Sana maging masaya ka na sa kanya. Sana contented ka na.
So I hope you’d forgive me if I don’t reply. I hope you understand why I have to burn the bridge. I don’t wanna mess your life anymore. I love you. Goodbye. My heart will always be with you in spirit. “D kita iiwan…” Patawad mahal.

DiS mAdE Me sMile 2dAy... : )

2004-05-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

For Acey..
read your new post.. As you can see.. i can never turn back.. i just cant.. not now.. your heart is damaged.. but its not damaged beyond repair.. a heart can never stop loving.. it can but just for a while.. a while that im willing to wait.. to stay.. I promised you ill never leave you and sticking to that.. even if it hurts.. even if i suffer.. but ill suffer more if i gave up on you.. pls understand this.. ill stick around no matter what...

FOR BABS...
Thanks for loving me this much. This way. I love you now. I love you always. You are right. Someday, I just might be ready again.

FoR EJ

2004-05-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

If I Were You I Wouldn't Be Here

I look in the mirror
with you in my arms
and I see a reflection
of a smile that says
you believe in love
and just for a moment
I drifted away but I couldn't stay darlin'
a hint of love a bitter fear
I'm trying to say

If I were you I wouldn't be here
If I were you I would stay right where you are
I wouldn't come near this broken heart
just turn around and leave here
and find someone that won't hurt you
make sure that she still believes in love
cuz I think my heart has given up
If I were you I wouldn't be here

I'm tryin' to protect you
from the lies that your heart tells
even though it says that it wants me
all I see is pain and misery
seasons may change
but I can't forget the days of old
my heart ached when he walked away
said I'd never love again

If I were you I wouldn't be here
If I were you I would stay right where you are
I wouldn't come near this broken heart
just turn around and leave here
and find someone that won't hurt you
make sure that she still believes in love
cuz I think my heart has given up
If I were you I wouldn't be here

Days go by
and I feel that you could make me happy
Time goes on
and I feel that love is at my door
and though I tell myself that you're the one
who said those words before
But it hurts too much
I can't trust in love again
AGAIN

If I were you I wouldn't be here
If I were you I would stay right where you are
I wouldn’t come near this broken heart
just turn around and leave here
and find someone that won't hurt you
make sure that she still believes in love
cuz my heart has given up
If I were you I wouldn't be here

If I were you I wouldn't be here
If I were you I would stay right where you are
I wouldn't come near this broken heart
just turn around and leave here
and find someone that won't hurt you
make sure that she
make sure that she still believes in love
cuz my heart has given up
If I were you I wouldn't be here

* My heart has been damaged beyond repair :c *

DaY 3...

2004-05-19T04:25:00.000-07:00

He hasn't made paramdam yet. On our last conversation, i remember him saying, amidst my nag uumapaw na galit (which is expressed by a deafening silence), dat someday maiintindihan ko din daw sha (as to why two-timer sya) and dat someday ym gonna want to talk to him again, see him again. Ayoko na. Dis is our chance to make things right. It's better na rin to end things as early as now to avoid more heartache. But still, gusto ko p rin sha magparamdam. I dunno if it's for ego/pride purposes or what. Bsta gusto ko naman ma feel na nde nman nya ko nakalimutan just like that. DAhil ako up to now, I still miss him most of the time.

Btw, ym getting better. MEdyo ok na nga ako eh. Kanina when we went to the adoration chapel, sbi ko kay Lord, "Lord, I will not cry today." And I haven't shed a tear yet. Sana magtuloy tuloy na. I can't wait for the day na magigising na lang ako na nde ko na sha naiisip. NA nde ko na check fne ko if he has texted/called already.

05/19, 7:50 p.m.

HmMmMm...

2004-05-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

I just saw EJ's blog. It made me feel guilty. All these time, I have been too absorbed with my own misery. I have forgotten that someone else probably hurts more whenever I am hurting. He's asking for answers to his questions about me and micky. I cannot answer those. Not now. Now that I still don't even have the strength to address my own questions.
I wonder how he can do it... How can he stay by my side knowing that I have fallen for someone else right after we broke up. HE has kept his promise all these time, na nde nya ko iiwan no matter what.
I thought that I knew how to love. People often told me na swerte ang mamahalin ko. Micky said so himself. His exact words were "Masarap ka magmahal." I've always thought that I knew how to love UNCONDITIONALLY. On top of that, tanga at martyr din ako. Pwede na ako pagawan ng rebulto katabi ni Rizal. At least that's wat i thought I felt for Micky. I even loved him enough to let him go. I promised nde na ko manggugulo para nde n sha mahirapan mamili. But in order for me to do that, I had to cut ties totally. Kahit he insists that I stay and I wanted to stay so badly, nde ko magawa for my own good. So for once, naisip ko na rin sarili ko. Finally.
Pero mas matindi pa rin si EJ. His love is a hundred-fold stronger than my love. His has got to be the greatest form of love. And ym lucky enough to have found someone who feels that way towards me. It must be hard for him to see me so hurt over someone else. He has become a good friend after our break up. He still manages to support me all the way. He keeps on saying my happiness is his happiness. Though he wants me back, he's willing to give way so I can find my own happiness. He is willing to give up anything and everything for me. That is something that he was able to prove, not just to me but to my family and friends as well. Kaya lahat sila against my relationship (if you can call it that) w/ Micky.
Sana someday yl be able to answer EJ's questions. Sana someday yl be able to return all the favors that he has done for me. Sana someday we can bring back what we had. Sana....
When ym ready, ym going to post my love story, with cast of characters, scripting and all the works. hahaha! entertaining sha, swear! pwede pang maalaala mo kya... that heartbreaking. at least on my end.

May 19, 4:35 a.m.

RiGht NOw...

2004-05-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

on top of my head is...
1. bumabalik n naman ako sa yosi... ds weekend, weed naman. self-destruction... jk
2. monthsary pla nila micky and jolly (his number 1) today. hurrah!
3. d pa sha nagttxt. i changed numbers but then when i check my line, wala din naman text. and feeler ko naman to think he would text me pa.
4. i hope he finds out nagpalit ako ng number just to make iwas. effort...
5. going to fitness first ALABANG tom bec the one in JG building reminds me of some horrible memories (the happier days) and again just to make iwas. more effort...
6. his upcoming birthday (04/22). i will not greet him at all. at nde ako bitter.
7. the post card that wylmer sent me
8. mami miss ko ang people support pag nag resign n ko
9. how do i upload pics?!?!?!? d ko maintindihan ang instructions. i am not technically savvy.
10. that cute topshop skirt, haircut at Basement, the spa (honey scrub!), more shopping. dahil pag ako pumanget, yl kill myself n tlga.

I ASKED GOD...

2004-05-18T05:58:00.000-07:00

I asked God to send me his friends....
He sent you.

I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit was whole, his body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said,......Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea.

-I got this from Belle's blog (it's my fave blog in the world). Sobra can relate ako. www.hundun.blogspot.com

This morning, after work (4 am), I didn't wanna go home yet. Ayoko tumanga. SO i asked EJ if we could hang out muna (like we do everyday after work, kain sa Select Magallanes). Sabi ko drive2x muna. Visit their house sa Urdaneta, go around makati, do whatever. So we did that, pero nagsa start na naman sha mag inquire about what happened. Ang masasabi ko lang is ym not ready to talk about it yet. Then I had this desire to go to church, to pray. Recently kasi, nde ako maka concentrate sa prayers ko. It's hard ksi not to question Him about recent events. So we went to Magallanes adoration chapel. It was my first time there. Pagpasok ko napaluhod agad ako. And the first thing I said was, "Lord, I'm trusting you with all of my heart. I'm here to make peace with you. Hopefully afterwards, I can make peace with myself na din." I couldn't help but cry. Because i'm really letting go now. Bahala na si Lord. Nde na ko mangungulit. I won't fight his will anymore. I know He has better plans for me than being with Micky. Sana nga Lord... Sana soon.

uNtiL I gEt OvEr yOu

2004-05-18T04:23:00.000-07:00

Woke up today, thinking of you
Another night and i made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But it can never come true

I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain
Everytime I hear your name

The sun won't shine since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday,
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[You...]

Walk through the park in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I ran away, but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere

They say the time will dry the tears
That true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

The sun won't shine, since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[Till I get over you...]

When will this river of tears stop falling
Where can I run so i won't feel alone
I can't walk away when the pain keeps calling
Just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go......
[Oh no no no]
[Oh no no]

The sun won't shine, since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[You.......]
[You.......]

Thats the way its gotta be until i get over you
[Until i get over....you.....]

DAY 2!
- Today, i woke up with that feeling again. I was instantly aware of the heartache without a moment wasted. That feeling that makes me wanna wish that I didn't wake up at all today. That feeling that instantly brings tears to my eyes even before I open them. A feeling that I know is felt by me lone, because for sure, he's not feeling the same way. I'm getting tired of being me. How i wish i could be just like him. Heartless. Unfeeling. Insensitive. Yet happy.

To think that up to this point, I haven't confronted myself with what happened yet. I still dunno what exactly happened, how it happened. All i know is that it was goodbye. And that goodbye is for the best. And this time it's for real. And I was the one who gave up.

My brain's not functioning 100% because all it's energy goes to resisting calling/texting him. I have gotten used to talking to him all the time. So it's kinda hard to just stop that habit right away.

As for my heart, i haven't opened the floodgates yet. Aside from the sporadic occurences of pigil na pigil na pagtulo ng luha, i only had one major outburst, pagbaba ng phone from our last conversation (ever). From time to time, bigla na lang sasakit heart ko, kahit wala naman brain activity (like flashbacks, memories). Siguro, lately, nasanay na sha na ganon.

So what more if my heart and my brain start functioning together again? I can't even imagine because I've reached the threshold of pain already. I don't think it's possible for me to hurt some more at this point.

rAiNbOw

2004-05-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

for my friends gary, mike, ej... you guys are the best.

Fallin' out, fallin' in
Nothing's sure in this world, no no
Breakin' down, breakin' in
Never knowin' what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all, no no

Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we never could understand
Why some things begin they just end
We can really never have it all, no no hoh hoh

But, oh, can't you see
That no matter what happens, life goes on and on
And so, baby, just smile
'Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see how beautiful life is for you and me

Take a little time, baby
See the butterflies' colors
Listen to the birds that were sent to sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns, there will be night and day
Can you hear me
There's a rainbow always after the rain

Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh

Hittin' high, hittin' low
Win or lose you should go, yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather could be so good or bad
But, baby, this is life, now, don't get mad, no no no

'Cause, oh, can't you see (can't you see)
That no matter what happens, life goes on and on
So, baby, please smile (just smile)
'Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see how beautiful life is for you and me

Life's full of challenges, not all the time we get what we want
But don't despair my, dear (and I know that)
You'll take each trial and you'll make it through the storm 'cause you're strong
My faith in you is clear
So I’ll say once again this world's beautiful
And let us celebrate life that's so beautiful, so beautiful

* Thank you so much *

So this is it...

2004-05-17T04:22:00.000-07:00

Finally. I have decided to own a blog. I have been wanting to have one but i've always thought i was never "techie" enough. But recent events had me decided that "techie" or not, I want my own blog!
So where do I start???
Recent events...

In the last 48 hours...
1. Partied around makati with my best gurlfriend gary. (vodka bar, temple, ponticello)
2. Met some really cool chicks named Nikki, Clare and ---- sorry, ym not good with names.
3. HAd a fight with Micky coz he said he'd follow but later changed his mind
4. MAde up with Micky coz he finally decided to follow
5. HAd another fight with Micky the next day
6. Got dumped
7. The dumper wanted me back
8. Dumpee dumped dumper.
9. Went out with my good friends for some booze.
10. Got drunk, pigged out, cried my heart out, lost a loved one (it could have been great), lost my mind (literally, i am mentally depressed, like really).

Recent events made me realize how badly I need to rant myself away. Hopefully, this will help me heal.

I'm not ready to go back to the details yet. Though i was out wid my good friends last night, I never really had the courage to talk about it. They knew that it was over. They were willing to listen. But i know ym not ready yet. Knowing myself, i could have caused myself serious injury yesterday. But I was able to rstrain myself because of the help of having my friends around.

The best thing I heard last night came from my bestfriend mike:
"When you reach the top, there is no other way but to go down. But when you're at the bottom, there's no other way but for you to climb up."
- I am not sure about reaching the top part. Now that I think about it... I thought I was happy, but was I really? One thing for sure is now, ym at the rock bottom and that the way up is going to be one hell of a climb.

As for garet...
She promised me she would make pakulam micky. And that she wouldn't mind the karma that will come afterwards. All for the love of me.

And ej... I saved some of the text messages we exchanged this morning:

ME: Babs, u remember me telling you dt my heartbeat was telling me something. I was ryt. And ds was not the first time. Honestly, ds has got to be my lowest point now. Bear with me mims... yl go through this day by day. Tds rly painful now. Pro d b nga may rainbow after the rain? Ad astra per aspera. Tma b? A rough road leads to the stars. Ym on my way to becoming stellar. (got that from belle)

EJ: I'll be wid you at any point in ur lyf ace. Highest high or lowest low... u can trust me wen i say na yl always catch u when u fall, and if you do, yl help you. Guide you up. and carry you on my back. 2geder u me garet mike.We will make your path to the stellars smooth and clear. I love you ace. Kaya mo yan. I'll pray for u. You have my full support.

ME: Tns mims. YM still fytin the tears. Tama na, naiiyak n naman ako. But tnx tlga. Yl rest na.

ME ulit: Mims tang ina. Ang sakit. D ko malabas coz it's senseless. HE's not worth it. Dat's y i feel even more stupid. Sna pwede to take away all the pain in just one blow. But i know ds s going to 2 continue for quite sometime. Ang sakit sobra. No one should hurt like this Lord. No one. Den y me? Let me know the reason.

EJ: Mims, napapikit ako sorry... I don't know wat happened. D ko alam kung bakit kyo nag away but i know n nde ka talo. Hindi ka nagkamali ngh decision. It's not your loss. It's his. Mims don't ever shed a tear. Madami p dyan. Dnt cry. ul get over him soon. he's just a guy. Kayang kaya mo sha palitan 100xbetter. un n lng isipin mo. He nver dserved your love. Kya mo yan mims, i know. Makakalimutan mo din sha. D ka pababayaan ni Lord. Trust in him, dnt ever lose hope.

ME: Mims, tnx for the love. Yl just take sum tym off agen. Regain my smile ~just like belle~ then yl be ready agen. Sna ul still be there.

EJ: U mean I should back off muna?

ME: No mims. Let's be friends. Den jz let things flow naturally. Ang sakit tlga. D ko p kaya. Maybe someday, yl be ready n ulit for true love. I dno.

EJ: I love you ace. d2 pa ako. D kita iiwan. Kahit ano mangyari.

EJ ulit: Mims, dnt worry. d kita papabayaan. d2 lng ako. mims, mahal kita. Mahal kita. nd2 p me. KAhit ano mangyari d2 ako.

Eto medyo ok na... Pinapasukan n ksi ng hangin utak ko sobrang puyat. At lumabas na din ang laitera mode ko. But it's true. WE were never really compatible. For a lot of reasons. Including lifestyle. GETS?!?!? Ym not a hypocrite pro i swear, hurt me and yl make you lait!!!

ME: mims, request. I need to be with OUR KIND agen. Gets? Got so fucked up by that jolog guy. Bumaba ata standards ko. Now i dnt know wat ym worth na. He was just a pretty face. He dsnt have a heart. I need to be with good company agen. Let me know what yl be missing if i went with that guy. SO good riddance ryt? Help me wash dis off. Make me realyz how stupid i was. And i mean ds w/o being bitter.

EJ: wat do u mean?

ME: Let's mingle agen with the right set of friends. Our kind? ur frends, my frends. d b? ung ganong fun? I need to have fun mims. Yl go crazy pag nag sink in ang depression.

EJ: okay me bahala.

EJ ulit: D2 p nman ako. ahem2x. j/k po making you laugh lang. kaya yan just find some1 new. jke pinapa smile lng kita.

ME: d ko kelangan someone new. I jz need to recover 4m d nytmare. He's a nytmare. 2think i trusted him. Tnx mims. I know ds must be hurtin u 2. seeing me so hurt over someone else. Yl get over this. Sna mabilis lng. cge mims, sleep n tyo. pray for me. i love you.

EJ: haaay cnabi mo p. Naasar tlga ko sa knya. Nevermind dt tae. Cge mims, sleep ka na. Nyt2x. I love you very much. C u later!

And so i fell asleep. After 2 hours...

ME: mims, my heart's beating fast agen. ts as if another disaster is going to happen. Lord, bring it on. i don't care anymore. Wat cud be worse? ym already on my lowest. My heart won't stop. My brain either. ym restless because of nothing.

EJ: Don't be like dat ace. Wala naman sha nabigay syo eh. Puro fake promises lng. He dsnt deserve a tear d b? Kaya mo yan mims

ME: Kahit buhos p ni Lord lhat ng sama ng loob nya sakin. I keep on insisting to myslef na der's a reason and dt i shud just believe. d ko magawa. cnt help magtampo sa kanya.

EJ: i can't blame you kung ganyan nafi feel mo. u tot me not to blame the Lord. let's not question Him na lng. please. mims, ym still here. d ka pa natalo. may natira p naman eh. d2 p kami. we love you ace. i love you.

ME: How can i trust in love again? he played me mims. I fell for it. He plays with people hearts. How can he go on with life thinking there's nothing wrong wiht him/ Bakit ako lng ang kinarma? bakit sha swerte p rin? Kala ko b wat goes around comes around. I never thot yd be saying this, but i wish him hell. he shouldn't be happy.

EJ: mims, d ka pa talo. dnt u c ym still here? i exist. d2 p ako nagmamahal. dnt u want my love anymore? dnt you ever feel na talong talo ka sa sitch n to. sya sa tingin mo mamahalin p sha ni jolly... talo sha nawalan sha ng 2 nagmamahal sa kanya. unlyk u. u just got rid of trash. dnt ever say na malaki ang natalo syo kc wala naman nwala. gets mo b mims? Swerte ka p din. Ngayon talo sha. 1st time sha busted ngayon alam n nya feeling. gago sya!

ME: Pray for me. I need it. d ko kaya magdasal. I know he knows wats in my heart. Ayko na humingi. I just wanna trust him. Khit he let horrible things happen to me. tanga ba ko? sinisisi ko b sha for my mistakes? defense mechanism ko b yun to justify n mali din ako?

EJ: ace, i know wats in your heart

ME: i know you have wishes too. gs2 ko lng makalimot. Gs2 ko n lng maging masaya ulit. I wish for good health as well. May i learn 2 appreciate my blessings. d ko sha hinihingi.

EJ: I'll postpone my happiness for you ace. I'll do everything para maging happy ka. i can wait. i don't need to rush anything. kaw muna. u need all the happiness. i'll do anything for you. dat i promise you

ME: dumaan si aline. dinalan nya ko pasalubong. Sna parati gn2. not the pasalubong part but sana yl have my own life back. i want my old self back. w/o the paranoia.

EJ: u can have your old self back. dali lng yan. tulungan p kita eh. dnt u agree na madali lng yun?

ME: Madali lng. I can never be jologs naman eh. Dats d way we are. Kahit la pera, at least we got class. Let's not stoop to thier level anymore. fuck, ym so bitter. lalo ko d mag heal n2. wanna make ganti. wanna make his lyf hell but waste of time lang eh. yd rather start rebuilding my life. d sweetest revenge is success. kelangan maayos ko sarili ko. sabi sa magazine, make over!!! Pucha ipon! shit! La na me load. yuck.

EJ: Padalan kita 100 hahaha... yuck prepaid na yung prinsesa. Pro ok lng. gusto mo palit tyo line. yl use urs, u use mine.

ME: gosh, so dats how its like. Sa susunod pasa load naman. haha. yuck mims. Luk wat i learned from him! shit! u have to revert me back!

EJ: Hahaha. Naawa syo si mommy. Free load yan ha? Got it b? txt me pag nakuha mo n

ME: Mims, u told ur mom! D real reason y ym on prepaid?! Becoz of that stupid ass! I hate him so much! Sna mamatay n sha. Now na!

EJ: Hmmm. u learned "ampowta" din. dats not a princess word. hehehe. Wag ka mag alala. ul be d sophisticated gurl i know. HOw's the feeling of a princess wid limited text and call powers? hehe

ME: I feel like hell. not just becoz of the prepaid thing thou. But yl be ok soon. Good karma, come my way. Evil spirits, go to Mandaluyong. Bitter tlga. haha

EJ: uy ul be spending hours wid a guy from mandaluyong dis sat. hehehe. feeling ko n magbabati na kayo ng mga friends ko. yehey!

ME: As compared to the one i met recently, deyr not so bad. Kahit swanget, at least he doesn't play wid ppl's hearts. d sha nagpapaiyak ng babae. Not dat he has the ability to do so. hahaha. But u know wat, ym kinda lukin 4ward 2 it. Dat cud be the turning point. ts a start to a new and better me. San b sha sa mandaluyong? Bka kapitbahay p.

EJ: Malayo sa riles ng tren hahaha! ok yan mims, let's start from the stArt para maayos lahat. yey, sana maayos na.

Mdami pa follow up texts. pero paulit ulit lng.

So this is how i got through day 1. The first day is usually the hardest. honestly, our last conversation is still playing in my head from time to time. His icky voice hunting my head. Like a bad song playing over and over.
I know that more pain is yet to come. But i think i can make it through w/o breaking down again. As long as i have mike, gary and ej... Thank God for the blessing of friendship.

05/18/2004, 1:10 a.m.