nAiSiP kO LaNg...

How can a person go against the wants of his/her own heart? How can you be happy if you keep on resisting/fighting your own feelings? I've always known that ym the heart-over-head type of person. I'm wondering... would i be a much better person if ym the other way around? would i make wiser decisions? Would I be happier? Ym asking these questions cause ym trying to use my head for a change.

I used to follow my heart all the time. Regardless of the consequences, I will do wat my heart says. For the reason that I know i won't be happy otherwise.

I have taken love and people for granted. I thought that i can always get away with things as long as i stay true to myself. In the process, i lost myself as well. Because yes, I was true to myself, but i lost my sense of pride, self-respect... I sacrificed my principles and went against my own ideals. But that was the only time I can say that I was really happy. Fuck reputation. I was called many names yet I couldn't care less about what others would say. Becoz again, I was happy.

But something just didn't feel quite right... My happiness was somewhat empty... I was incomplete...

So now, ym trying to change. Hoping that this time I can rectify my mistakes. I can't help but feel I have sinned against myself. So I'm using my head now just to earn some sense of self-worth again. But I feel like hell. Damn, I am unhappy. I feel like ym turning into a frigid bitch. But at least I'm not a stupid fool anymore. At least I can say ym being smart. At least I can't be played anymore. Ym taking time making my decisions (used to see this as wasting time). Maybe I can be learn to be happy being this way. I dunno...

My thoughts don't make sense anymore. I feel more confused than ever. Heart over head, head over heart? Happiness or righteousness? A little bit of both? How's that? What about "the best of both worlds"? Can't I really have it all? ARRRRGHHHH! My head's aching again.